The Fair Fight

Fighting fairly can be healthy for relationships. It can solve problems, clear the air, reinforce communication skills, and provide objectivity, and sometimes more insight than one wishes for into one’s own behaviour. It can also enhance self-esteem, and reinforce the value of your relationship. The positive intention behind a fight is as an expression of caring—we don’t fight with people over things we don’t care about. However, to do it well, without becoming entrenched or destructive, we need some basic guidelines.

Rules for Fair Fighting:

1. Most fights have to do with diminished self-esteem, or feeling hurt or wounded somehow. Before you start an argument, ask yourself, “What exactly is bothering me? What do I need or want? Are my feelings in proportion to the issue?”
2. Focus on “I” statements such as “I think” and “I feel” rather than “You should” or “You shouldn’t.” Generally, if you try to control another person’s behaviour it won’t be appreciated and you won’t achieve the end result you want.
3. Watch too, for the words “never” or “always”— as in “you never, or you always” being tossed about. In fact, avoid generalizations as a rule, as they tend towards being unfair, unanswerable, and put the other person on the defensive.
4. Listen, no matter how painful it is, and aim to be curious. This person may have important things to say that can help you learn about yourself. Ask questions about the other person’s perspective. Sometimes, even if we don’t agree with a viewpoint, we can see why someone may see a problem a certain way.
5. Be assertive, not aggressive. Be specific about what you want, and what outcomes are acceptable to you. And ask the other person to propose solutions also. Be prepared to say what you’ll do if things don’t change, but don’t threaten, nag, intimidate, call names, or make judgmental statements. Cruelty is never acceptable and at times may be unforgivable.
6. Never get physical. If you don’t think you or the other person can maintain control, leave the situation, returning only when people are calmer. Sometimes involving a third party such as a counsellor helps people stay safe emotionally and communicate more peacefully.
7. Don’t fight when impaired. Generally, we want to bring our best selves to the table when we need to sort out a big relationship issue, and drinking, drugs and lack of sleep all impair judgment enough that things may get said that are regrettable later.
8. No “kitchen sink” arguments in which every unresolved grievance ever conceived is dredged up and thrown into the ring. If you find yourself wrestling with museum issues, bring them up when you have set aside some time to work on them specifically.
9. Don’t fight in front of the kids. Save fighting for when you are alone with your partner. If you feel it can’t wait, you are too angry anyway and need to cool down first. And if your kids do see you argue, make sure that also see you make up. Kids need to know parents are resolving their issues.
10. Always have a way out — a pre-determined code word for partners can help both people defuse a situation. For example, preemptively agree that the word “pineapple” uttered by either of you mid-fight means, “We have to stop now, I’m too upset to feel safe right now with myself or with you, or I’m frustrated because we are going around in circles.”
11. Be willing to compromise. Share where you might be flexible and where you are not willing to be flexible clearly and out loud with your partner. In fact, don’t rely on mind reading to help you fight your fight.
12. Don’t shy away from asking for help. We add skills on when we need them, and often learn easily with good teachers when we are ready.
13. Learning to fight well is learning to fight fair, and is a life skill. Communication skills take practice. Be patient with yourself and be patient with your partner.

Caroline Bradfield MaCP, RCC. Comox Valley Family Counselling
www.comoxvalleycounselling.ca

CleanseSMART is an advanced herbal cleansing program. It is formulated to stimulate the detoxification process of the body’s 7 channels of elimination: the liver, lungs, colon, kidneys, blood, skin, and lymphatic system. The morning cleanse supports detoxification; the evening cleanse promotes elimination, so you wake up feeling better, lighter, and more energized. In today’s toxic world, cleansing and detoxification is imperative. Toxins enter our body through the air we breathe, the food we eat, and the water we drink. Over time, these toxins build up and slowly start to affect our health in a negative way. Reducing the toxic load in your body decreases the risk of developing chronic health problems, improves overall health and immune response, and can increase energy levels. It’s also great knowing that CleanseSMART is free from yeast, animal products, binders, dairy, fillers or artificial ingredients, gluten, salt, soy, sugar and wheat.

Jeanie Bruneau, Jeannie’s Vitamins 

Physical touch is a basic human need. Scientists have identified several benefits of positive touch, especially in social and mental development. Premature babies who are massaged regularly gain weight more quickly and have stronger immune systems. Babies that are deprived of touch are more susceptible to disease and are more likely to have behavioural problems as they mature. Not being nurtured can be very stressful and therefore increases stress hormones which can also lead to a poor immune system. In adults, the Touch Research Institute found that touch therapy reduces blood pressure, alleviates depressive symptoms, improves immune function, and reduces pain. The University of North Carolina did a study which showed that women who were hugged by their partners regularly had an increase in oxytocin levels- the hormone responsible for building trust, bonding, empathy, and lowering stress hormones.

Sydney Reaburn, RMT, www.courtenaymassagetherapy.com

I would love for the word “Effleurage” to become a household name. Effleurage is a French word for a Swedish massage technique. This technique includes beautiful long and short strokes that can be applied to almost anywhere on the body.  This stroke is easy to learn and is the first to be taught in many massage therapy programs. This sensual stroke is used to spread warm oil on the skin, increase nourishing blood flow to muscles and connective tissue. Applied lightly it will flush out toxins and accelerate lymph and venous circulation. Applied slowly it will induce relaxation and sleep.  People can enjoy effleurage at any age. Check out massage basics and other learn to massage videos for free on youtube/uservivitherapy and try some effleurage this Family Day or Valentines.

Roxanne Derkson, www.vivitherapy.com

“All disease begins in the gut” – Hippocrates. The Greek physician Hippocrates (c. 460 B.C. – c. 370 B.C. ) said this over 2,000 years ago, and we are only finally starting to recognize the truth of his words. He also said, “Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food,” and, “If we could give every individual the right amount of nourishment and exercise, not too little and not too much, we would have found the safest way to health.” Research from the past two decades proves that digestive health is critical to overall health, and an unhealthy gut contributes to a wide range of diseases including autism spectrum disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome, depression, diabetes, obesity, and rheumatoid arthritis. It is interesting that people generally make resolutions regarding their health following a time of merriment and feasting!

Nelson Meggitt, www.optimumwellnessfactor.ca

Choosing the right elder care for yourself or your aging parent is no easy task. Both at-home and senior center care options have their benefits, but it depends on what your needs are. Compare the pros and cons of each option before making any decision. The option to stay at home is the most appealing, but that is not always the best choice. However, the greatest benefit of at-home care is that the patient can live in their own home. A live-in nurse can be hired to provide 24 hour care or a caregiver may be hired for daily visits. Part time caregivers will not only administer medical aid and treatment, they can also drive the patient to and from doctor’s appointments or even to the grocery store. What is expected of the caregiver can be negotiated before choosing to hire one, so make sure to get exactly what you need for yourself or your loved one.
Lance Pace, www.omnicareforpeopleathome.com

West Coast winters provide a uniquely varied range of weather challenges for us and our pets. Arctic winds and snow one moment, replaced by torrential rains the next. Be prepared for all of Mother Nature’s whims. Be sure to have enough food, water and medications on hand for a minimum of 5 days. Younger and older animals are more susceptible to the cold. Extremes in temperature and humidity can adversely affect conditions such as arthritis, and pets with diabetes, heart disease, kidney disease, or hormonal imbalances may have a harder time regulating their body temperature. It’s an unfortunate but common belief that dogs and cats are resistant to cold and wet weather because of their fur, however like people, cats and dogs are susceptible to frostbite and hypothermia and should be kept inside. No pet should be left outside for long periods of time in very wet and/or below-freezing weather.

Puntledge Veterinary Clinic, www.puntledgevet.ca

Q: I was watching the new Star Wars movie and shortly afterward I got some weird shimmering kaleidoscope-like images in my vision for half an hour. What’s up with that?

A: It sounds like you experienced an aura which are typical with a migraine. However, these auras are often painless events, perhaps for the majority of people who experience them. It’s not usually an eye problem. The effect occurs because of some subtle irritation in the visual part of the brain, which is actually near the back of the head. For instance, a sudden change in blood pressure or blood sugar may be enough to alter the circulation in that part of the brain. Other known causes would be food sensitivities or stress. Since these auras appear differently for everyone, it’s worth investigating with your eye doctor just to rule out the effect happening because of internal eye problems.

Dr. Alex Kennedy, www.mosaicvisioncare.com

BioSil® supports hair, skin and nail health, and helps in the formation of collagen. Collagen is the key protein for creating smooth skin, thick hair, and resilient nails. During youth, you have a rich abundance of collagen. This ideal collagen condition gives skin elasticity and helps create strong hair. But starting at age 21, collagen diminishes by 1% per year. By age 30, the signs of reduced collagen become visible. BioSil®’s patented formula is clinically proven to make genuine collagen regeneration a reality. BioSil® “turns on” the body’s actual collagen-generating cells. It has been tested in rigorous trials for both efficacy and safety. It is important to note that BioSil® is not made out of collagen, it generates collagen. There’s a big difference. When you ingest collagen, the human body breaks it down and uses it as food. By contrast, BioSil®’s patented formula helps your body generate its own for stronger, healthier hair, skin and nails!

Jeanie Bruenau, www.pno.ca

Anger is simply an emotion that occurs as a reaction, also called a trigger, in response to an uncomfortable situation. If we view it as simply a secondary emotion or physiological reaction, also called “fight or flight” response (faster heartbeat, adrenaline rush, feeling hot and tense) we can begin to think as to what the anger is about, in effect using it as information. In undertaking anger counselling the goal is to uncover the “primary” emotion. What is driving the anger? Is it fear? Is it frustration? Or sadness, guilt, jealousy, disappointment? Once the underlying emotion(s) are identified then we can begin to problem solve. This is done by identifying triggers (when does it happen? Where? Who is around?). It’s much like detective work and with the help of a qualified counsellor the “anger cycle” can be identified and healthy measures can be put in place to ensure your anger isn’t destructive, but rather a useful piece of information to solve internal conflicts.

Rod Chant, www.marriageandfamilytherapy.ca

From indigestion, bloating and belching to heartburn, acid reflux and ulcers, gastrointestinal issues affect many of us. Even occasional nausea, constipation, bad breath and food sensitivities can be symptoms of an irritated GI system.

Before reaching for an over-the-counter medication, or even self-prescribing a natural medicine, let’s consider some possible underlying causes of your digestive issues.

GI disorders are commonly associated with mental stress over prolonged periods, like that work project that consumed you for weeks on end or the all-day cram sessions that were so intense you forget to eat. Even emotional stress, such as frustration or anxiety, can wreak havoc on your digestive system. Anything you can do to reduce stress will be beneficial.

What you eat and – just as importantly – what you don’t can also be a factor. Beware of fad diets and faux-healthy trends. People are depriving themselves of so much nutrition these days, reducing this and eliminating that, yet collectively we’re less healthy than ever. Eat whole, nutrient-rich foods, and try to balance your fat (30%), carbohydrates (40%) and proteins (40%). GI issues can be complex and are very seldom solved with a quick-fix diet.

On a broader level, I suggest we change our relationship with food. It seems we rarely turn off our electronic devices long enough to actually enjoy our food. To taste it. To make eating a fun, social experience. How we eat, and our mindset about food, affects our digestion.

Finally, look into herbal remedies. Western medicine typically involves pharmaceuticals, many of which have side effects over time. While often relieving symptoms, they do not provide a cure. Chinese herbal medicine can offer the same benefits while also restoring normal GI functions and promoting better digestion.

Any doctor of Traditional Chinese Medicine will be happy to chat with you about how you can improve your digestion and quality of life.

Dr. Brigitte Tetrault, www.courtenayhealingcentre.ca